Let me just say... WHOA.
First though, earlier today I was talking with my dad about Christianity. His understanding of the term "Christian" is that it literally means "Christ-like." That sounded perfectly fine with me. I agreed with it. I liked that it meant love and service for all.
Later, I was exploring the website for a local church. I've been there a few times (2-3) over the last 10 years. It's what I would call a mini-mega-church. I think their website said they have about 6,500 attendees every weekend, combining the attendance at all of their physical sites (they have several satellite locations away from the main "campus"). I clicked on a link that took me to the July 11-12th sermon. I looked over the notes, but did not click to listen to the audio. It was a part of a series on "How the Good Go Bad" or something like that. There was another link that took me to the list of topics in the series.
One topic in particular caught my eye. "Cain's Homemade Religion" was the name of it. I was curious enough to click on the link and read the notes. Then I decided, after reading some of the scripture that went with the notes, that I needed to hear the sermon to really "get it."
There were 7 parts to the recording and I clicked on the 5th part because it was the most seemingly-relevant to me. It had to do with what God wants from us now. So I listened through part 5 all the way to the end of part 7. It was all very interesting to hear. God likes it if we do good deeds and have good morals. Sure, don't we all? Well, some people, like me, think that those things can be enough to get into the good graces of God. NOT SO. (By good graces I mean eternal life.) Being sincere and having good theology are also nice things, but NOT "IT." Being obedient and not performing rituals - right on! However, NOT what it takes. So, what does it take?
John 14:6
Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. [NIV]
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt truly unworthy and disheartened that all the good I have been and done is not enough. How instantaneously sad and confused I felt.
I went with the feelings and continued listening to the recording. Next came the prayer. (Being the skeptic that I am, I feel these sermons are SO carefully crafted, intended to have the biggest emotional impact on the listener possible. It only makes sense.) It got me, too. It was basically a call to give your life to Jesus. There I was, listening along, yet not closing my eyes and bowing my head like the pastor had asked. I was staring blankly at the computer screen, wondering to myself, "Is this really IT? Is this one thing, THE one thing?" I felt pulled in the direction of YES! But I still resist(ed). I said the prayer with the pastor. I felt my heart cry out. I want to know the truth. "How can I know?" I wondered. The prayer ended and I felt as confused and longed for the truth.
I decided to listen to the beginning of the sermon, just so I had the whole story. I had not yet heard about Cain.
The story of Cain and his offering and subsequent actions is one I had heard before, though not in the sort of detail I heard tonight. I still don't "get it" completely, but it was good to have heard. I did not know about Seth's line vs. Cain's line in Biblical history.
Anyway, I'm here now, over an hour later wondering what to do, what I've done.
I said the prayer in my mind with the pastor. Yet it felt really selfish. So it seems to me I am not ready. If I "give myself" to Jesus because I am afraid of what happens if I don't, that's selfish, right? I do believe I need to chat with someone about this. Air1.com here I come!
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